Ryan, Brother of My Heart

This is what flows, flows from my soul, write it all out and let it all go.

If I could just find a peaceful place,

where the wind blows gently across my face

with open hands and open eyes

raised high up to the skies

breath it in then let go

accept the truth of what I know

just let the whole world fall away

The news that my childhood friend, Ryan Van Thournout, has passed away does not seem real.  I feel this stuttering in my heart, like it’s trying to stop and reboot to fix the damage.  This message is an error, it's not real, it’s not true.

We all have people we like, people we only tolerate, and people we just want to avoid. Then we have people that can only be explained as ours. Those who were given to us and those whom we chose. They are all those who matter to us, even if we might not matter to them.  We claim them, we’d do anything for them. We may never say it to them out loud but in our heads, our hearts, and our souls, we’ve shouted, “They Are Mine.” And Ryan was one of mine.

Ryan was the first friend I made in Reception (aka Kindergarten) at Feltwell Primary School (aka Elementary School), in Feltwell Village, Norfolk, England. Both of our dads were US Airforce and as best I can remember we were friends between three and four years before his family was re-stationed in Utah. Sadly some of the details are getting hazy as I realize those days were close to twenty years ago. There is no one quite like the first friend you ever make, no matter the length of time you were both together, be it months or years, they are forever etched into your soul. It was the first person to give you value outside of family.  The first person to like you, to want to be with you,  to pick you just for being you.  They shape you, they change you.  We had the whole world open to us, everyday was an adventure, we could be who ever we wanted to be.   My little girl heart was broken when he moved away, but I never once imagined how much worse it would be this day.

“You meet people who forget you.  You forget people you meet.  But sometimes you meet those people you can’t forget. Those are your friends.”  MLK

Ryan it’s been years since we’ve seen each other but “for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. And I’m glad for that.” I think of you often and you have never been forgotten.  You were my first and dearest friend. Birthdays together, super secret agent spies, super secret hideouts, bikes upside down, pirates and partners in crime.  I got in trouble for you at school and helped you learn to draw squares. Forever being teased about being married for all the time we spent together. So many childhood memories filled with you and these words will never be enough to explain how broken I feel at your death. You were always the brother of my heart and I love you.

stuttering heart

stuttering heart

trying desperately

to restart

truth be gone

can’t bare it now

rewind rewind

someway somehow

closing closing

eyes so tight

just pretend

its all alright

your hand in mine

one last time

places to see

mountains to climb

don’t let go

I’m holding on

I’m not ready

you can’t be gone

Ryan Van Thournout, son to Betty and Kevin, brother to Kirsten. The father of two boys I had never had the pleasure of meeting. I held my son tight today as I can't even fathom the depths of their loss. My heart cries and grieves with them and they have our love and prayers.