This was meant to be posted the day of Ryan's Funeral but I couldn't bear to do it then, so I just left it sitting as a draft, but now months later, time always has a way bringing acceptance and easing the ache. I was thinking of him today and wanted to share this.
JULY 2014
There is a Funeral I am supposed to be at today. Time, distance, and obligations have made it impossible to be there with the whole country between us. Instead I am at work and having to talk and instruct more people then I care to count all while trying not to cry. It's hard today, not to be judgemental of people who are freaking out over their tiny problem that actually have very easy solutions. Grief is not so easy.
Grief in death is a strange thing. I think most times we treat it like a problem to be solved. We want to slap some band-aid over it, and pretend that it can be fixed. I don't think you can actually fix grief, you just live through it. Even when there is hope and peace, I feel with death there is always some part of grief that remains. And it's like everyone knows that it takes time to heal from the death of a loved one but we all still rush to tell some one, "God will bring you peace, God will heal your heart." And while this is true over time God can mend the brokeness if you let him, it doesn't actually help anyone to say this. For awhile, in the beginning the pain is just untouchable, and there is nothing you can do with it and there's no timeline for how long it might last. It can even come and go in waves with good days and bad. Special days and events can split the wound wide open again.
And with grief you should never try to bear it all on your own, but even with the support of friends and family in some part you do face it alone. The beauty of love is that with each person you care for it is unique, but it also makes grief itself unique. Pain can be shared but it can only go as far as what can typically be shared in your similar experiences. What made them yours, made you care, made them different, and all the reasons you love them are yours alone to feel and yours alone to grieve. Its part of the burden that comes with the beauty of love. It does not in anyway make love less worth it, in fact it's what makes love real. That love can feel like a knife shoved in your heart or a bomb exploding inside of your chest in the first moments of grief, but then maybe a day will come along when the memories aren't so painful you can once again feel the same beauty and peace that it brought. One day those memories might make you smile with delight and joy, instead aching and in tears. We can only hope that even if now we feel so low and weak one day we might realize loving them made us stronger made us better.
I've been praying so hard for his family, I can't imagine having to bear going through my son's funeral.
